“you either live like me or you wanna live like me.”

“I threw it up.. so I can eat it tomorrow.”

“Well Shaggy, that’s another mystery solved.”

“That’s like tryin to put a forrest fire out with a water gun.”

He put his nuts on a table, said I believe in my company, here’s a hammer.. and someone hit him in the nuts…. 13 times

talking about the CEO of life-lock having his identity stolen 13x

“You’re only a few fries short of a happy meal.”

“Chocolate milk is pretty much liquid ice cream.”

“Best place to fart: a jacuzzi.”

“Warning labels are more of an incentive to do shit.”

“I have to think about it, but I can make it happen.”

“It’s not like multiplying two negatives and making a positive. It’s just twice as crappy.”

“There are hearts printed on my toilet paper. I am just glad people are wiping their asses with the symbol of love.”

“My mom sent me an e-mail saying, ‘my internet doesn’t work’.”

“Tool girls go in the tool box.”

“There are only three types of people in the world. Dicks, pussys, and assholes.”

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“The bathroom mirror will lie to you. The rear view mirror won’t.”

Me: “I like things that fly and swim.”

Harr: “What have you eaten that flies?”

Me: “Hmm….”

Harr: “Cause chickens don’t fly. Have you ever seen a chicken fly?”

“I don’t like Grey Goose. It sneaks up on you.”

“That’s about as cool as a handjob on a honeymoon.”

“Sometimes you gotta be a dick to get shit done.”

“Condoms and seat belts go hand in hand.”

“If all else fails, cheat.”

“If I had a spare grand, I’s shit all over this lease and move on. Fuck off seriously.”

“The day Forever the Sickest Kids break up is the day I stop listening to emo music.”

“The only thing that really makes me wanna have kids is seeing them in fucking costumes.”

“Sex is my new adjective for whatever is good.”

“We’ll squeeze each others asses at the same time and then we’ll really know who’s got what.”

Ross: “They’re only fun facts when you read them the first two times.”

Albert: “Yeah, and then they’re knowledge.”

(Talking about the fun facts at a movie theater)

“Well, my finger is gonna have to work right now.”

(Talking about using her finger to brush her teeth because she didn’t have a toothbrush)