“My computer is green.”

“They don’t keep me here because I’m gorgeous. They keep me here because I’m smart.”

“Belk is having a 1/2 off sale. Looks like Harri’s gettin’ a new PAIR of shoes!”

(This is in response to what Harriet said, which was ““When people give me a twenty dollar gift card to Belk, I’m like, ‘What am I suppose to buy? One shoe’?”)

“Am I just going to get shit on all day? Is that what’s gonna happen?”

Jack to Chrissy: “Tell him you’re sick.”

Chrissy: “I can’t tell a lie.”

Jack: “Tell him your father is in town and you are spending some time with him.”

Chrissy: “I can’t tell him the truth, he’ll think I’m lying.”

“Ughhh! She could have at least said, ‘here’s a 50, go pig-out.’ But no. All she said was, ‘Harriet’s been hungry since yesterday.’ That’s bullshit.”

“I feel like rice is about to come out of my nose.”

“Grammatical errors make me pop out in hives.”

“The problem with milfs, I find, is that they have kids.”

“Vegetarians, they’re shifty people.”

(Cory slaps the windshield of his car and says…)

“I wish that bug that I just killed was you.”

(Talking about Martha Stewart)

“She’s too busy making a napkin out of a pine-cone.”

“I don’t go to the Caf unless I’m drunk.”

“We’re gonna want to turn off the lights before I sit on your face.”

(While sitting at the bar in TGIF, Adamn says…)

“They need to make this place more like Friday because this place looks like it has the case of the Monday’s.”

“I start sneezing when I get drunk.”

“I always have realizations in the bathroom.”

“It was SUCH a good class because nothing got done.”

“Yeah. We don’t know what she looks like on the inside. We are just rating her on the outside.”

“They can’t find their butt with both hands.”

Carol to Albert: “You just picked your booger.”

Albert: “I did, but I didn’t eat it.”

“The strategy is, it is what it is.”

(annA’s mama lives forever away. She tries to convince annA to come visit her by telling her she’ll cook dinner. Anna’s response…)

“She thinks she can just make me dinner. Bitch, I’m gonna need dinner, dessert, gas money, and a blow job.”

“I’m not even running rich, those are just sound effects.”

(Talking about his farts.)

Me: “I want a spinach leafy pizza!”

Gregg: “Reading this just made me get out of bed, go to Walmart, and buy a pizza and now I’m cooking it.”

“Is it just me or do the commercials about saving animals make you feel worse than the ones about children?”

“What on earth u going to the library so early for? Better take a rowboat to get there.”

“Why am I a biology major? I’m sure as hell not going to med school. WTF.”

(Talking about going to Ireland…)

Kristy: “You better save with me.

(And if I don’t? Kristy said this…) “I will kill you, not really, but hurt you.”

Me: “Threatening me is a great way to make me do it!”

Kristy: “K. Well, you won’t have a vagina left if you don’t save!”

Me: “Crrrrrraaaaaaaaacccckkkkkkkbbbbbooooookkk!!”

Kristy: “You’re done.”

“I do not accept late work in person or via email. Plan ahead for computer malfunctions.”