“Is your twat shaved? Is your necklace yellow?”

“I feel like toothbrushes are the final straw.”
(Talking about when breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.)

“When I mean I nap… I mean NO touching me!”

“This operation is on a hold up until you go get it.”

“Someone broke into our house and stole the batteries out of the air conditioner!!!”

“I’m fucking doing amazing things. I’m driving… in the rain.”

“So, my project when I get home is to kill the wildlife in my backyard.”

“What a catchy, interesting, hott name.”

“I definitely know I’m high cause I’m driving 25 miles an hour and there’s 700 cars behind me.”

“They have organic boxer briefs?!?!”

Sancho: “He’s high.”
Me: “But he acts high normally…”
Sancho: “Yeah, he’s normally high.”

“Why are you acting like that? I should hit you just for the principle of the thing.”
(to the dog, tessy)

“I love it when mama goes to the grocery store. This is what she buys: a gallon of milk, vegetables, and this shit. She buys a bunch of random stuff that doesn’t make a meal.”

“I’d rather be notorious than be unknown.”

“Imma kill your mama and ya first born child.”

“I’m gonna get you a shirt that says ‘I fuck on the first date’.”

“Just a couple of the best nicknames J Chris and I came up with for Jesus: the bibles protagonist, speaker of red words, salvation station, coming home king, da OG from Galilee, God Jr. , floaty toes, DJ Heaven, bay walker, sand hiker etc….”

“Alcohol grows balls.”

“Seriously, I want to eat hairspray it smells so god damn goood.”

“Well no wonder it went over so well…. I knew what the plan was!”

“I had to clear my mind, and then nothing popped in it.”

“You can’t pop popcorn, you suck at life!”

“That damn man is guilty as hell.”

“…But you would always have a bag of shit with you.”
(Talking about a disease called diverticulintis.)

“My armpits are putting off an onion odor.”

Me: “Parents are always right.”
Dave: “No, they just win the arguments.”

“Cooper is still my boy. He may be a retard but I still love him.”

“I’ll fucking piss in a cup and mail it to you, bitch!”

“What else can we enlighten you on that you should have learned in first grade?”

“It’s that crazy shit nigga, it will melt you into the couch.”
(Talking about drugs)