The Crackbook

Morgs

Paula Anne — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 20:17:12 +0000

“I’m doing juvenile suicide linked to cyber bullying. I should have done suicide linked to college assignment.”

Wyatt Herp to Me

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:22:05 +0000

“Do you know the prices of gold these days? The economy is fucked and I am drinking it.”

(Sitting at a bar while Wyatt is sipping on Goldschlager)

Parking Wars

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:19:07 +0000

Black Lady (getting a car booted yells out): “Jesus paid my debt.”

Other Black Lady (who booted the car): “But the parking tickets weren’t included.”

Lo Monkey and Beast

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:15:39 +0000

(While in the car)

Lo: “What’s wrong with you?”

Beast: “I’m just freezing. My nipples are hard as rocks.”

New Girl

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:14:15 +0000

“We’re not trying to be mean, we just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

Yo-Yo Beast Mintz

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:12:32 +0000

“I’m not religious, but I need to say a prayer for her.”

Me and Harr

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:11:04 +0000

Me: “OH MY GOD! You didn’t bring your computer??”

Harr: “Nope. And I have my ipod but not my ear phones. FAIL.”

Marianne

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:09:26 +0000

“Burpees. I swear that’s what you do in hell.”

Lord Voldemort

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:07:57 +0000

“If someone insults you reply ‘So is your face’. There really is no way to reply to that. If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

Lo Monkey

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:05:57 +0000

“Well, I pissed God off for the night. Now I definitely won’t find a man.”

Kev and Me

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:04:26 +0000

Kev: “Let us not forget, Summer is a verb. (i.e.) I ‘summered’ in Charleston this year.”

Me: “You ‘summered’ everywhere dude. Columbia, Nebraska, Atlanta.”

Kev: “Everywhere but your snatch.”

Me: “Haha! No ‘summering’ there.”

Kev: “Wintering there.”

Me: “crackbook!”

Judge Judy

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:00:18 +0000

“Mr. Rios, if I could wipe that smirk off your face and get away with it legally, I would do it.”

John Hanna

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:58:26 +0000

“I’m seriously the worse driver ever. I’ve taken out more mailboxes than Lindsay Lohan on a high drive by.”

Jamie and Alex Mac

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:56:30 +0000

(Alex gets bit by a turtle)

Jamie says to Alex: “He (the turtle) ain’t gonna let go til it thunders.”

(It was a sunny day)

Harr

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:54:46 +0000

“When the ferret of chaos chases the right rabbit, you must give him a new path.”

Dr. Boyle

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:53:15 +0000

“Shit rolls down hill.”

Alex A.

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:51:43 +0000

“I took my glasses off to make a point.”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:50:53 +0000

“I decided I was not going to be a rat in that rat race anymore.”

Dad

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:50:02 +0000

“If you can’t win, go around them.”

Clinton Kelly (from TLC what not to wear)

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:49:06 +0000

“If you were a food, you’d be mashed potatoes… without butter or salt.”

(Talking about how boring a lady’s wardrobe was)

Coco Chanel

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:47:22 +0000

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

Mintz

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:34:31 +0000

“Dude. I’m cracked out on some of Corey’s adderall. I feel like fucking running my beast ass around campus. I had a sprinkle Krispy Kreme earlier.”

Ashley Peacock

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:31:47 +0000

“Is it irresponsible to drink a margarita before class?”

annA

Paula Anne — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:30:39 +0000

“I hate to tell you this sweetheart, but karma isn’t real and neither is god.”

N Toes

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:14:33 +0000

“I feel like he’s gonna work me like a red-headed step child.”

Beast

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:12:02 +0000

“Bitch, I don’t have a virus. I’m just drunk.”

Melbo trying to work a remote control

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:10:52 +0000

“I was a little too high, I couldn’t find the pause button.”

Me and Drew

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:08:56 +0000

Me: “HAHA! Georgia Tech is beating Clemson.”

Drew: “I know. I hope they lose. I’m so sick of every time Clemson wins it’s all over facebook; but if we win you wouldn’t know. We are more humble. It’s Clemson fans that give white trash a bad name.”

Matt Ammons

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:06:00 +0000

“I am not blonde, I just like to think outside the box.”

Lim Snick

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:04:59 +0000

Boy to Girl: “You can get into trouble.”

Girl: “That’s how you know it’s an adventure.”

Kristy to Me

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:03:48 +0000

(Talking about my dry skin)

“No one can even tell unless someone looks at you.”

Kevbo

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:02:20 +0000

“My computer is green.”

Judge Judy

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:00:20 +0000

“They don’t keep me here because I’m gorgeous. They keep me here because I’m smart.”

John Hanna

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:59:29 +0000

“Belk is having a 1/2 off sale. Looks like Harri’s gettin’ a new PAIR of shoes!”

(This is in response to what Harriet said, which was ““When people give me a twenty dollar gift card to Belk, I’m like, ‘What am I suppose to buy? One shoe’?”)

Jeff Lewis

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:55:51 +0000

“Am I just going to get shit on all day? Is that what’s gonna happen?”

Three’s Company

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:55:01 +0000

Jack to Chrissy: “Tell him you’re sick.”

Chrissy: “I can’t tell a lie.”

Jack: “Tell him your father is in town and you are spending some time with him.”

Chrissy: “I can’t tell him the truth, he’ll think I’m lying.”

Harr about Mom

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:52:10 +0000

“Ughhh! She could have at least said, ‘here’s a 50, go pig-out.’ But no. All she said was, ‘Harriet’s been hungry since yesterday.’ That’s bullshit.”

Scooby

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:49:27 +0000

“I feel like rice is about to come out of my nose.”

Dr. Boyle

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:48:37 +0000

“Grammatical errors make me pop out in hives.”

Kevin Rose

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:47:16 +0000

“The problem with milfs, I find, is that they have kids.”

Alex A.

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:46:12 +0000

“Vegetarians, they’re shifty people.”

Cory to Morgs

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:44:53 +0000

(Cory slaps the windshield of his car and says…)

“I wish that bug that I just killed was you.”

Chelsea Handler

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:43:37 +0000

(Talking about Martha Stewart)

“She’s too busy making a napkin out of a pine-cone.”

Morgan

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:40:35 +0000

“I don’t go to the Caf unless I’m drunk.”

amm

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:38:57 +0000

“We’re gonna want to turn off the lights before I sit on your face.”

Adamn

Paula Anne — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:37:50 +0000

(While sitting at the bar in TGIF, Adamn says…)

“They need to make this place more like Friday because this place looks like it has the case of the Monday’s.”

Melissa Wim

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:58:18 +0000

“I start sneezing when I get drunk.”

Jayne

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:56:19 +0000

“I always have realizations in the bathroom.”

Harr about English Class

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:55:26 +0000

“It was SUCH a good class because nothing got done.”

Drew

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:54:16 +0000

“Yeah. We don’t know what she looks like on the inside. We are just rating her on the outside.”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:53:08 +0000

“They can’t find their butt with both hands.”

Carol and Albert

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:52:06 +0000

Carol to Albert: “You just picked your booger.”

Albert: “I did, but I didn’t eat it.”

Announcer at the Carolina game

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:50:19 +0000

“The strategy is, it is what it is.”

annA bear to me

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:49:22 +0000

(annA’s mama lives forever away. She tries to convince annA to come visit her by telling her she’ll cook dinner. Anna’s response…)

“She thinks she can just make me dinner. Bitch, I’m gonna need dinner, dessert, gas money, and a blow job.”

Adamn

Paula Anne — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 17:42:01 +0000

“I’m not even running rich, those are just sound effects.”

(Talking about his farts.)

Me and Gregg

Paula Anne — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 07:21:57 +0000

Me: “I want a spinach leafy pizza!”

Gregg: “Reading this just made me get out of bed, go to Walmart, and buy a pizza and now I’m cooking it.”

Harold

Paula Anne — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 23:07:34 +0000

“Is it just me or do the commercials about saving animals make you feel worse than the ones about children?”

John Hanna

Paula Anne — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:34:59 +0000

“What on earth u going to the library so early for? Better take a rowboat to get there.”

Harr and Stokes

Paula Anne — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 03:20:44 +0000

(Kristen is a nurse and was working the midnight shift at the hospital and she was texting me when Harr says to Kristen…)

Harr: “You are suppose to be saving lives.”

Kristen: “Yeah, probably not gonna happen. I’m just a tech right now, and I’m in rehab. Jeez! People get beer with their meal and won’t share and then expect me to save their lives. What are they thinkin’ not sharing?!”

Melcifer

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:34:37 +0000

“Why am I a biology major? I’m sure as hell not going to med school. WTF.”

Kristy and Me

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:33:23 +0000

(Talking about going to Ireland…)

Kristy: “You better save with me.

(And if I don’t? Kristy said this…) “I will kill you, not really, but hurt you.”

Me: “Threatening me is a great way to make me do it!”

Kristy: “K. Well, you won’t have a vagina left if you don’t save!”

Me: “Crrrrrraaaaaaaaacccckkkkkkkbbbbbooooookkk!!”

Kristy: “You’re done.”

Dr. Boyle

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:30:10 +0000

“I do not accept late work in person or via email. Plan ahead for computer malfunctions.”

Anonymous

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:28:06 +0000

“Is that a fur hood or his hair?”

(Talking about a man’s pony tail)

Alex A.

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:25:25 +0000

“I thought stumping my toe was a life changing experience.”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:24:32 +0000

“At the end of the day, I can probably live through it.”

Harr

Paula Anne — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:56:34 +0000

“She wears ‘em so much I just think they’re part of her face.”

(Talking about Mama wearing her sunglasses obsessively.)

Chris Sacca

Paula Anne — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:54:57 +0000

“…And even more importantly, forget about who it might piss off.”

Adam Carolla

Paula Anne — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:53:58 +0000

“Shake yourself like an Etch-A-Sketch and start over.”

(Talking about people who have shitty jobs with bad attitudes.)

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 18:51:10 +0000

“I mean gosh! Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.”

(Talking about the views of Republicans and Democrats.)

Julian Chestnut

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:50:25 +0000

“O, O, O! My professor (English), told me that a 15 to 30 minute report will get you a 3 to 5 sec grade.”

Anonymous

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:45:43 +0000

“If you’re worried about the scurvy, I think you’d be better off not boinking him.”

Kiefer

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:43:24 +0000

“Party at Casey’s tonight. Leave the kids at home.”

(Talking about finding Casey Anthony not guilty.)

Kevbo

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:40:46 +0000

“You’re goin’ to be happier than a pig in shit tomorrow.”

Anonymous

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:39:52 +0000

“It probably smells like butterfly kisses.”

(Talking about a particular girl’s vagina.)

Kevin Rose

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:36:53 +0000

“Glenn, are you vomiting or draining the snake?”

(Glenn was peeing so loud it sounded like he was throwing up.)

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:35:42 +0000

“Don’t bet the farm on one horse.”

Adam Carolla

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:33:30 +0000

“Don’t look for other people to change your life. They’re not going to do shit for you.”

(Talking about politicians running for president and how people think the president will change shit for you.)

annA

Paula Anne — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:31:40 +0000

“For how bad my boobs hurt right now, they better be growing, or I’ma be pissed.”

Adam Carolla

Paula Anne — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 16:57:14 +0000

“Everyone doesn’t need to weigh in on everything, except for me. Really honestly because…. I mean… I’m the voice of reason.”

Me and annA

Paula Anne — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 01:38:33 +0000

Me: “What are you currently doing?”

annA: “Lurking… really hard.”

Harr

Paula Anne — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 18:19:53 +0000

(While watching Keith Berry’s television show she says this…)

“Like I don’t think he could hypnotize me because his voice is so annoying.”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 18:17:46 +0000

“Academic people who are stupid are always a challenge.”

Random dude to Albert

Paula Anne — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 18:16:21 +0000

“Man! You must have some nice air conditioner in that truck to ride with the windows rolled up.”

Kevbo

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:05:57 +0000

“Only a clown would miss Florence, and with that said, I missed Florence.”

(Talking about Florence and the Machine while at Bonnaroo)

Judge Judy

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:05:04 +0000

“If you don’t have it, it doesn’t exist.”

Harr

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:04:20 +0000

(We were at Carolina Roadhouse and a couple sitting on the same side of the booth ordered chili cheese fries. Harr says this….)

“They ordered chili cheese fries. Could’ve gone to Sonic. That’s all I’m saying.”

Cody Lundin

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:02:04 +0000

“Look at this little hobbit hole.”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:01:10 +0000

“I don’t wanna owe relatives money. It changes the way Thanksgiving dinner tastes.”

Chef Ramsay

Paula Anne — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 20:59:13 +0000

“No, sweetheart… my mouth is fucked.”

(What he said to the waitress after eating shitty food)

Adam Carolla

Paula Anne — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:22:50 +0000

“Take your zits and your bad beard and get the fuck out of my garage, would you please.”

Harr

Paula Anne — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:05:37 +0000

“When people give me a twenty dollar gift card to Belk, I’m like, ‘What am I suppose to buy? One shoe’?”

Kevin Rose

Paula Anne — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:03:12 +0000

“If I get stitches, I’m gonna be pissed!!!”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:01:53 +0000

“The only ship that won’t sail, darling, is a partnership.”

Alex A.

Paula Anne — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 19:58:56 +0000

“Kevin has a bug up his butt.”

Me and Mags

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:51:49 +0000

Me: “I hate your phone!”

(10 seconds later)

Mag: “My phone actually did die that time.”

Me: “Damn iphone. Way to NOT give a warning.”

Mag: “No. It gave me three. I didn’t think it was serious.”

Judge Judy

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:49:30 +0000

“You’re cooking your goose, sir.”

Harr

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:48:03 +0000

“If that had been a regular person, I would have hit her real hard.”

(When Harr’s grandmother grabbed Harr’s arm and made her touch the staph on her elbow.)

Cody Lundin

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:45:37 +0000

“I’m not gonna do a karate move on a leopard.”

Kevin Rose

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:44:29 +0000

“Why does it sound like there’s snakes coming from my hallway?”

Dave Ramsey

Paula Anne — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:43:35 +0000

“Twitter. It’s a whole new way to piss people off. I like it, it’s fun.”