“The day Forever the Sickest Kids break up is the day I stop listening to emo music.”

“The only thing that really makes me wanna have kids is seeing them in fucking costumes.”

“Sex is my new adjective for whatever is good.”

“We’ll squeeze each others asses at the same time and then we’ll really know who’s got what.”

Ross: “They’re only fun facts when you read them the first two times.”

Albert: “Yeah, and then they’re knowledge.”

(Talking about the fun facts at a movie theater)

“Well, my finger is gonna have to work right now.”

(Talking about using her finger to brush her teeth because she didn’t have a toothbrush)

Person 1: “Her and Lisa are smart cookies.”

Person 2: “Their cookies are crumbling!”

(Talking about how both Lisa and this other girl are 20 and pregnant.)

“Don’t shit on your own parade.”

“He types the way he talks.”

So, there were these kids that jumped into the pool and nearly drowned. The lifeguard saved them and asked Kid 1: “Why did you jump in?” The Kid said “I didn’t know it was that deep.”  The lifeguard then asked Kid 2: “Why did you jump in?” and Kid 2 said: “Because he’s my buddy.”

“Good things always happen in this shirt.”

Jenny: “It’s a black hole with random things flying through it.”

Tina: “I feel like it’s a big traffic jam.”

(Talking about what’s inside my brain)

“What am I gonna do? Wash it away? It’s still gonna be there in the morning.”

“I gotta say… I don’t sound very sexy on the phone. But you have to admit I’m sexy in person.”

(He’s fat, no hair, and can’t hear)

“I hope your dick is longer than your attention span.”

“I like my boat wet.”

“Here are some onions for your breath.”

“Don’t break anything you can’t pay for.”

“Hurry up you lazy fucks.”

“Why are you hating on me for your boyfriend’s jokes?”

Kevin: “So, I was tellin my rents that you were movin back for the summer and mom was like “What’s she ging to be doin?” and my dad immediately chimed in “I’ll tell you who she’s not goin to be doin!”

“Let’s pick a theory out of the book and discuss how it fits our personality.”

(Talking about ditching the theories research paper and doing this instead)

“Ask him if he’s really having a party, or is it shits and giggles and laughs and farts.”

“Nothing gets my dick harder than you bitchin’”

“reCOCKulous….. one step above reDICKulous.”

“I literally get in the shower to put on dirty ass clothes. I hate that.”

“I have terminal ass cancer. I can’t sit in this seat any longer.”

(Why he can’t stay in class)

“Painting and fucking a lot don’t go together. It softens the brain. It’s quite a nuisance.”

“Fuck God. He doesn’t even know what’s going on.”

“You can’t recover from stink.”

“Stink is career limiting.”

“When you stink, people don’t tell you.”