Person 1: “Her and Lisa are smart cookies.”

Person 2: “Their cookies are crumbling!”

(Talking about how both lisa and this other girl are 20 and prego)

“Don’t shit on your own parade.”

“He types the way he talks.”

So, there were these kids that jumped into the pool and nearly drowned. The lifeguard saved them and asked Kid 1: “Why did you jump in?” The Kid said “I didn’t know it was that deep.”  The lifeguard then asked Kid 2: “Why did you jump in?” and Kid 2 said: “Because he’s my buddy.”

“Good things always happen in this shirt.”

Jenny: “It’s a black hole with random things flying through it.”

Tina: “I feel like it’s a big traffic jam.”

(Talking about what’s inside my brain)

“What am I gonna do? Wash it away? It’s still gonna be there in the morning.”

“I gotta say… I don’t sound very sexy on the phone. But you have to admit I’m sexy in person.”

(He’s fat, no hair, and can’t hear)

“I hope your dick is longer than your attention span.”

“I like my boat wet.”

“Here are some onions for your breath.”

“Don’t break anything you can’t pay for.”

“Hurry up you lazy fucks.”

“Why are you hating on me for your boyfriend’s jokes?”

Kevin: “So, I was tellin my rents that you were movin back for the summer and mom was like “What’s she ging to be doin?” and my dad immediately chimed in “I’ll tell you who she’s not goin to be doin!”

“Let’s pick a theory out of the book and discuss how it fits our personality.”

(Talking about ditching the theories research paper and doing this instead)

“Ask him if he’s really having a party, or is it shits and giggles and laughs and farts.”

“Nothing gets my dick harder than you bitchin’”

“reCOCKulous….. one step above reDICKulous.”

“I literally get in the shower to put on dirty ass clothes. I hate that.”

“I have terminal ass cancer. I can’t sit in this seat any longer.”

(Why he can’t stay in class)

“Painting and fucking a lot don’t go together. It softens the brain. It’s quite a nuisance.”

“Fuck God. He doesn’t even know what’s going on.”

“You can’t recover from stink.”

“Stink is career limiting.”

“When you stink, people don’t tell you.”

“Ummmmmm… we don’t clean.”

Drew: “What are you gonna do when you get a real job?”

Albert: “Get fired.”

(Talking about Albert always being late)

“We are just going to get food. I have no shoes on and no bra or makeup, so don’t worry.”

(Mel bitching about them leaving before cleaning the kitchen)

“Lifes too short for homework.”

“I like the index section of the book cause that means we’re done.”

Me: “I gotta do something to burn calories.”

Kristy: “We will drink tonight. That will burn calories.”