“Choose the hill you’re willing to die on. Is this the hill I’m willing to die on based on what I believe in?”

(He is at a red light and a cop is across the street. Dave says this while making an illegal U-turn)
“Well, if he’s coming to get me, then he’s coming to get me.”

“You’re the most uptight guy in America. Sit your ass down.”

“Shove your A’s up your B.”

Dustin to McKenzie: “Crack kills.”
McKenzie’s response: “Well, in this case it saves.”

Albert: “You can get a lot of people fed with those.”
Kiefer: “I’m not hungry anymore… thanks for the shot.”
(Talking about Jell-o shots)

“I just want to smack her in the head and tell her to smarten up.”

“I’m sayin’ she got money. Fix that.”

“You’re apparently on the best terms and he won’t come over here and say hey…?”

“If I could pee right now, life would be perfect.”
(Katz had to go to the hospital for a injured knee. She was in a stretcher and was given a drug and a warm blanket by a cute nurse named Matthew. The only catch was she had been complaining about peeing since we got to the hospital. So, she asked Matthew and he was like yeah.. let me get a cup because we might need a urine sample. (45 minutes later) Katz still has to pee)

“I wish I could sing (pause) I wish that all the time.”

Teacher: “Harry’s having trouble with bullying.”
Mom: “So, that’s character building.”

“There is a such thing called karma, and we don’t wanna get on the wrong side of that.”

“Lord, I’ll follow you………… when my dad dies.”

“You would think a 150 dollar remote could change channels.”

Me: “I could see Chris speed skating.”
Harr: “Figure, maybe.”

“I had a Cadillac’s taste on a Volkswagen’s budget.”

“You steal my koozie, I steal your hoe.”

“Change it! This is giving me a hangover.”
(Talking about Miley Cyrus’ song See You Again)

“You can’t get a good apple from a bad tree.”

“So, funny I almost forgot to laugh.”

J Chris: “I wear North Face when my patagonia is dirty.”
Wyatt: “I wear Gucci when my Louis is dirty.”

Me: “Hellogoodbye is playing tomorrow”
Harr: “Where? At the strip club?”

Tom: “Why do you do drugs?”
Criminal: “Because it enhances my personality.”

“Dude. If you fucking put it on pause one more time, I’ll cut your fucking balls off!”

“What reindeer doesn’t have antlers?
(Talking about my bed sheets)

“I had taken pissed off to a whole new atmosphere.”

“That is what you call just dumbass stupid.”

Mel: “It melts in your mouth.”
Me: “It melts in your mouth and not in your hand.”
(Talking about ice cream)

“Welcome to Georgia! We’ll fuck ya!”