Person 1: “You watch diggnation?”

Person 2: “Yeah dude. ‘Condoms and seatbelts go hand in hand’ It’s a pretty good saying to live by. Too bad me and you don’t use either one. Ahahaha!”

Person 1: “Ahhhhh mazing. Just rolled out my chair at work.”

(Talking about a security guard at the mall who walks around like he’s in a fantasy world.)

“You can shoot him in his ass and he wouldn’t realize he just got shot.”

—–

(How dumb Rose thinks Americans are)

“We can sell you a fart for a hundred dollars and you’ll buy it.”

Me: “Look at those clowns.”

Drew: “Where? I don’t see any clowns.”

Me: “Not real ones.”

Drew: “Oh, I was looking for real ones.”

Caroline: “I was looking for jackasses.”

(Kristy never can make a decision. And she had a guy who wanted to take her out to eat but she didn’t know if she wanted to go out with him or not)

Me: “Well, find out where he wants to eat first and then decide.”

Kristy: “I’m sure I could choose where I want to go.”

Me: “Since when do you make decisions, you indecisive fuck?”

Kristy: “Dude. Since I can dominate this relationship.”

Me: “crackbook.”

Me: “Dude, I want a haircut soooo bad.”

Kristy: “Well get one. I’m trying to grow mine out and it’s just not working so well. It takes so long.”

Me: “I am on the 22nd. And dude, you with long hair… eh?’

Kristy: “Well, I want it to get long so I can get an emo hair cut and usually they are middle length hair.”

Me: “Oh! Your hair is perfect for that. Maybe tonight we can talk on AIM and I can send you photos!”

Kristy: “Maybe you can just get facebook back cause I’m sick of being in a relationship alone. I’m about to change it.”

Me: “Dude. Facebook kills me.. however, I do miss not being in a relationship with you. But we still are, and everyone knows it!’

Kristy: “Ya, but why does it kill you? Gay gay…”

Me: “Long story. Dude, I’m on adderall and still won’t study for my 1:30 test.”

Kristy: “Ok.”

Me: “Don’t get short with me, fire crotch.”

Kristy: “Dude, it’s more brown then red and I still have brown eyebrows.”

Me: “Are you freckily too?

Kristy: “I wish.”

Me: “… and white as a ghost? Pubs red? And no soul? You are a true ginger!!!”

Kristy: “I bet I’m not as white as you! You probably look gothic with your dark hair unshowered nasty Paula look with white skin.”

“Did your phone go to clown school?”

(She said this because Rose’s phone honked like a horn)

“Welp, I’m the black nig from New Hampshire and you’re the white hick from South Carolina.”

“You know what they say about people that make your day…. more times than not they can make your week.”

“I just want to plaster my body to the caf doors until they let me in to eat.”

(She said this because it smelled like hush puppies outside)

—–

“That’s why people cry at funerals. Because they don’t get what they want.”

(Talking about a person’s will when they die, and how people are sad they did not get what they wanted)

“If you consider dyeing your hair, dye it black. The other colors are not so cool and you’ll look like a clown, in my opinion.”

(This is what Kevin told me to tell my boss about me not getting any time off.)

“Tell that Jew she’s goin’ to be as fucked as a baby in a row boat when you move up here.”

“If you guys wanted to kill me right now I would probably let you.”

(On the way to see Jackass 3D and it had been raining all day, so Kevin was trying to find a close parking spot incase it started raining again)

Me: “What do we have to lose?”

Kevin: “Our dry clothes.”

“If you hate your life that much then quit your god damn job.”

(Talking about prison)

“I could do three months. That shit is like camp after a while.”

—–

“I don’t wear my pants camel toe style.”

—–

“If it ain’t broke…. don’t fix it.”

—–

“It’s my birthday, my DUI.”

(Talking about how she didn’t want her drunk friend to drive her home. Emily was drunk and it was her birthday)

“It is a beautiful New Hampshire day. Even more beautiful was the old man wrecking a shopping cart right infront of me.”

—–

“If I got ten cents for every time I got into verbal arguments with strangers, I might make a dollar everyday.”

—–

“Inspector Gadget is half robot half idiot.”

—–

“Just when I thought I was having a good day, I get pulled over.”

—–

“The woman in front of me at the grocery store smells so much like carrots. She isn’t buying any… it’s pretty amazing.”

—–

“It is January in New Hampshire and I can see green grass. Something is wrong.”

“Do moths die after 24 hours? Or is that just house flies?”

Alex: “Get your head back in the game and out of your crotch.”

Kevin: “Don’t say crotch.”

Alex: “Why?”

Kevin: “Because my head isn’t in my crotch.”

—–

Kevin to Alex : “You just gotta throw it on the credit card and worry about it later.”

—–

“It’s like liquid sex in a bottle.”-Alex

—–

“That’s like believing when you clap fairies die and shit.”-Alex

(Talking about how Kevin pirates music and how Kevin thinks some money goes to the artist. It’s just not gonna happen)

—–

“Challenging people that have all the fucking time in the world is never a good idea.” -Alex

—–

“When it rains it storms.” -Hippie Glen

—–

Alex: “Somebody close the door cause this is wayyyyy too sweet.”

Hippie: “Like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. WHOAAH! Close the door!”

—–

Alex: “Cancer buckets.”

Hippie: “You’ll get a little bit more cancer, but we’re gonna help fix you later with your own money.”

(Talking about when KFC were giving money to help find a cure for cancer by selling buckets of fried chicken. This is how Alex and Hippie felt about the idea.)

—–

Alex to Hippie: “Get a fucking job, ya hippie.”

—–

“I’m losing my shit before we even start the show.” -Alex

—–

Kevin: “It’s this stupid beer.”

Alex: “Don’t call it stupid because it works.”

(Kevin said this because he was drunk and kept fucking up all the time)

—–

“Alcohol removes punctuations.” -Alex

—–

“It’s a good beer with a lingering taste of ass.” -Alex

(Alex making fun of Kevin’s description of the beer he was drinking)

—–

Kevin: “There’s something weird about her…”

Alex: “Yeah, it’s called ugly.”

(Talking about Uma Thurman and Kevin thinks she kinda hot because of a weird thing about her… which Alex just calls ugly.)

—–

“Gold doesn’t come out of cows butts.” -Alex

—–

“I would love to have a shower you could just walk into and the sky would just cry on you.” -Alex

—–

“A cat getting hit in the crotch.” -Alex

(I don’t remember what this was about but it was funny)

—–

Kevin to Alex: “Show ‘em the box.”

Alex’s response: “Where are the cocks?”

—–

“People think that you can give aids like a hot potato.” -Alex

—–

“I just don’t have enough time to fight crime.” -Kevin

—–

Kevin to Alex: “Dude, if I throw up I’m gonna be pissed.”

—–

“When your girlfriend is pregnant…. drink up.”

(Right after taking a shot)

Kevin: “Alex is fucked. I’m just gonna tell you right now. He only drinks like two or three drinks and he’s done. I’m an alcoholic… so it’s okay.”

“You know what. The next like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory should be about Google.’

“That’s like wearing a raincoat in the shower. You dont wanna do it… you got to.”

“I’m not here to blow smoke up your ass.”

“I had to roll a tree cause I was gettin ready to kill somebody.”

“You’re acting like garfield on a Monday.”

“You never want to take your fashion or your investmesnt advice from mightnight cable, because your will end up with goldbars in your hand and a snuggie.”

“We travel with diamond studded helicopters.”

“The bigger the hoop the bigger the hoe.”

(Talking about how big her hoop earrings were)

“I think that after you spend so much money at a fast food restaurant, you should get a complimentary tred mill.”

“Ringleaders are never clowns.”

“Smells like a beaver just laid an egg in here.”