“Hurry up you lazy fucks.”

“Why are you hating on me for your boyfriend’s jokes?”

“I literally get in the shower to put on dirty ass clothes. I hate that.”

“I decided to take the shroom detour.:

“I like your door handle. It’s smoother than butter.”

“I could jack-off with Perts shampoo and it not hurt.”

“I had to recollect my life. I had to find my watch, my debit card….”

“Did Mel have a birthday cake? And did Taylor pop out of it?”

“You would have been better off wearing ice skates.”

“Mel, I’m just trying to do it the right way so that you bitch less.”
(While rearranging the living room)

“Trashy bars tend to be in trashy areas.”

“TOP TEN THINGS I’M THANKFUL FOR… 10. GDIs… If there were no GDIs everyone would be fratty. 9. Busch Camo Cans 8. PHIRE… You’re Gonna want it 7. Snicker Ice Cream Bar 6. Ed Hardy Hats hahahaha…. hahahaha….. hahahaha 5. Pigeon Forge 4. Pussy 3. Money 2. Weed 1. Friends and Family 1/2. Busch Light and CAROLINA FOOTBALL!!!”

“I wonder if you can eat a certain amount of oreos for Farmville cash.”

“I’d like to see my death.”
(Mel was driving on the way back from Cola and Adam was in the backseat freaking out about Mel’s driving, and he decides to read a BIG calendar that is so big he can’t see how Mel is driving… so, he says this.)

“It’s bread. You can only burn it.”

“Mel, I do not want to quit my job due to default… don’t kill me.”
(Sherlock and Adamn panicing in the backseat because of Mel’s driving techniques)

Adam: “Pledge you’re doing the opposite of figuring it out.”
J Chris: “You’re unfiguring.”

“So, I was on my laptop……………….shitting.”

“I love getting knuckle deep on Kevin.”

“I have a layer of vagina on my face. If I could wipe my face off it would be pure vagina.”

“Im soooo glad black people can’t swim. They make the pool greasy.”
(Five minutes later….)
“Oh God, they found life jackets.”

“I’m so high, I’m not hot.”
(When the AC was broken in the house.)

“Kevin, if you were an animal… you’d be a cat… a pussssy cat!”

“I feel like toothbrushes are the final straw.”
(Talking about when breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.)

“Someone broke into our house and stole the batteries out of the air conditioner!!!”

“I definitely know I’m high cause im driving 25 miles an hour and there’s 700 cars behind me.”

“I’m gonna get you a shirt that says ‘I fuck on the first date’”

“They were calling us all kinds of numbers last night.”
(Adam and Carlos’ jail names.”

“So, Englands an island… right?”

“I’m gonna call Mell a forrest with many trees.”