“I took my glasses off to make a point.”

“The problem with milfs, I find, is that they have kids.”

“Vegetarians, they’re shifty people.”

“I thought stumping my toe was a life changing experience.”

“Glenn, are you vomiting or draining the snake?”

(Glenn was peeing so loud it sounded like he was throwing up.)

“If I get stitches, I’m gonna be pissed!!!”

“Kevin has a bug up his butt.”

“Why does it sound like there’s snakes coming from my hallway?”

“Maybe I like to jump on other peoples boats without being invited.”

“My grandfather; it looks like his eyebrows are trying to pick fruit when he walks.”

(Talking about eyebrow streamers)

“If I just scratched my computer to do something stupid I’m gonna be pissed.”

“I don’t trust men in mustaches.”

“Jesus! How many chemicals do you need around you to live in New York?”

(Talking about the bugs)

Alex: “Get your head back in the game and out of your crotch.”

Kevin: “Don’t say crotch.”

Alex: “Why?”

Kevin: “Because my head isn’t in my crotch.”

—–

Kevin to Alex : “You just gotta throw it on the credit card and worry about it later.”

—–

“It’s like liquid sex in a bottle.”-Alex

—–

“That’s like believing when you clap fairies die and shit.”-Alex

(Talking about how Kevin pirates music and how Kevin thinks some money goes to the artist. It’s just not gonna happen)

—–

“Challenging people that have all the fucking time in the world is never a good idea.” -Alex

—–

“When it rains it storms.” -Hippie Glen

—–

Alex: “Somebody close the door cause this is wayyyyy too sweet.”

Hippie: “Like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. WHOAAH! Close the door!”

—–

Alex: “Cancer buckets.”

Hippie: “You’ll get a little bit more cancer, but we’re gonna help fix you later with your own money.”

(Talking about when KFC were giving money to help find a cure for cancer by selling buckets of fried chicken. This is how Alex and Hippie felt about the idea.)

—–

Alex to Hippie: “Get a fucking job, ya hippie.”

—–

“I’m losing my shit before we even start the show.” -Alex

—–

Kevin: “It’s this stupid beer.”

Alex: “Don’t call it stupid because it works.”

(Kevin said this because he was drunk and kept fucking up all the time)

—–

“Alcohol removes punctuations.” -Alex

—–

“It’s a good beer with a lingering taste of ass.” -Alex

(Alex making fun of Kevin’s description of the beer he was drinking)

—–

Kevin: “There’s something weird about her…”

Alex: “Yeah, it’s called ugly.”

(Talking about Uma Thurman and Kevin thinks she kinda hot because of a weird thing about her… which Alex just calls ugly.)

—–

“Gold doesn’t come out of cows butts.” -Alex

—–

“I would love to have a shower you could just walk into and the sky would just cry on you.” -Alex

—–

“A cat getting hit in the crotch.” -Alex

(I don’t remember what this was about but it was funny)

—–

Kevin to Alex: “Show ‘em the box.”

Alex’s response: “Where are the cocks?”

—–

“People think that you can give aids like a hot potato.” -Alex

—–

“I just don’t have enough time to fight crime.” -Kevin

—–

Kevin to Alex: “Dude, if I throw up I’m gonna be pissed.”

—–

“When your girlfriend is pregnant…. drink up.”

(Right after taking a shot)

Kevin: “Alex is fucked. I’m just gonna tell you right now. He only drinks like two or three drinks and he’s done. I’m an alcoholic… so it’s okay.”

“You know what. The next like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory should be about Google.’

“He put his nuts on a table, said ‘I believe in my company, here’s a hammer..’ and someone hit him in the nuts…. 13 times.”

(Talking about the CEO of life-lock having his identity stolen 13 times)

“Warning labels are more of an incentive to do shit.”

“My mom sent me an e-mail saying, ‘my internet doesn’t work’.”

“There are only three types of people in the world. Dicks, pussys, and assholes.”

“Sometimes you gotta be a dick to get shit done.”

“Condoms and seat belts go hand in hand.”

“The only thing that really makes me wanna have kids is seeing them in fucking costumes.”

“Sex is my new adjective for whatever is good.”

“reCOCKulous….. one step above reDICKulous.”

“Nobody wants sweaty testes.”

“You can’t lie when your drunk.”