“My computer is green.”

“You’re goin’ to be happier than a pig in shit tomorrow.”

“Only a clown would miss Florence, and with that said, I missed Florence.”

(Talking about Florence and the Machine while at Bonnaroo)

“You’re sending messages like you had a finger amputated.”

(I told him I just woke up and that was why I couldn’t type worth shit)

“You may think I’m predictable but that thought process will change tomorrow.”

(Talking about where squirrels like to live)

“You’re not gonna wanna live in the barbecue during the summer.”

“So, on a scale from one to shit at its best… how much fun is it wakin’ up this early?”

“You can only go so far selling sandwiches.”

“Well drop your socks and grab my cock. We’re partying!!!”

“Now that I think about it, my asshole is literally a salad shooter.”

“Maybe you should get farted in the face for every time you do bad on a test. So, then you would start making good grades.”

“You know what they say about people that make your day…. more times than not they can make your week.”

(This is what Kevin told me to tell my boss about me not getting any time off.)

“Tell that Jew she’s goin’ to be as fucked as a baby in a row boat when you move up here.”

“Ringleaders are never clowns.”

“This goddamn weather just gives me a big erection.”

“On a scale from one to dry….”

Kevin: “So, I was tellin my rents that you were movin back for the summer and mom was like “What’s she ging to be doin?” and my dad immediately chimed in “I’ll tell you who she’s not goin to be doin!”

“There’s nothing a blow job can’t fix.”

“I heard everytime you drop ‘em, they lose time.”
(Talking about blackberry phones)

“You’re apparently on the best terms and he won’t come over here and say hey…?”

“You would think a 150 dollar remote could change channels.”

“Apple just killed my whole website.”

“I feel like the shittest day of our whole life is their best day.”

“Never come to the grocery store hungry.”

“The fucking instructions are in Europe.”
(He thought someone peed on his down comforter and did not know how to clean it. So, we were like read the directions. And this is what he said.)

“I feel like I brushed my teeth today but it still tastes like shit.”

“I’ll just get a taxi back and call it a fucking life.”
(Bitching about getting a ride home from North Charleston to Mt. P)

Kevin is: “tired of the quiz request… I don’t know shit about anyone, including myself… gout doctor and dentist all in the same day…. weeeee this is fun.”

“Why am I getting a second nose? I smell just fine.”
(Talking about something growing on his face)

“I feel like Paula Anne couldn’t lifeguard a bath tub if Michael Phelps was swimming in it.”