The Crackbook

Marianne

“Burpees. I swear that’s what you do in hell.”

John Hanna

“I’m seriously the worse driver ever. I’ve taken out more mailboxes than Lindsay Lohan on a high drive by.”

Dave Ramsey

“I decided I was not going to be a rat in that rat race anymore.”

Dad

“If you can’t win, go around them.”

Coco Chanel

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”

Ashley Peacock

“Is it irresponsible to drink a margarita before class?”

Matt Ammons

“I am not blonde, I just like to think outside the box.”

John Hanna

“Belk is having a 1/2 off sale. Looks like Harri’s gettin’ a new PAIR of shoes!”

(This is in response to what Harriet said, which was ““When people give me a twenty dollar gift card to Belk, I’m like, ‘What am I suppose to buy? One shoe’?”)

Scooby

“I feel like rice is about to come out of my nose.”

Cory to Morgs

(Cory slaps the windshield of his car and says…)

“I wish that bug that I just killed was you.”

Chelsea Handler

(Talking about Martha Stewart)

“She’s too busy making a napkin out of a pine-cone.”

Melissa Wim

“I start sneezing when I get drunk.”

Jayne

“I always have realizations in the bathroom.”

Drew

“Yeah. We don’t know what she looks like on the inside. We are just rating her on the outside.”

Dave Ramsey

“They can’t find their butt with both hands.”

Announcer at the Carolina game

“The strategy is, it is what it is.”

Me and Gregg

Me: “I want a spinach leafy pizza!”

Gregg: “Reading this just made me get out of bed, go to Walmart, and buy a pizza and now I’m cooking it.”

Harold

“Is it just me or do the commercials about saving animals make you feel worse than the ones about children?”

John Hanna

“What on earth u going to the library so early for? Better take a rowboat to get there.”

Dave Ramsey

“At the end of the day, I can probably live through it.”

Chris Sacca

“…And even more importantly, forget about who it might piss off.”

Adam Carolla

“Shake yourself like an Etch-A-Sketch and start over.”

(Talking about people who have shitty jobs with bad attitudes.)

Dave Ramsey

“I mean gosh! Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.”

(Talking about the views of Republicans and Democrats.)

Julian Chestnut

“O, O, O! My professor (English), told me that a 15 to 30 minute report will get you a 3 to 5 sec grade.”

Kiefer

“Party at Casey’s tonight. Leave the kids at home.”

(Talking about finding Casey Anthony not guilty.)

Dave Ramsey

“Don’t bet the farm on one horse.”

Adam Carolla

“Don’t look for other people to change your life. They’re not going to do shit for you.”

(Talking about politicians running for president and how people think the president will change shit for you.)

Adam Carolla

“Everyone doesn’t need to weigh in on everything, except for me. Really honestly because…. I mean… I’m the voice of reason.”

Dave Ramsey

“Academic people who are stupid are always a challenge.”

Random dude to Albert

“Man! You must have some nice air conditioner in that truck to ride with the windows rolled up.”