“Chocolate milk is pretty much liquid ice cream.”

“Best place to fart: a jacuzzi.”

“There are hearts printed on my toilet paper. I am just glad people are wiping their asses with the symbol of love.”

“I like George Bush, not because he was a good president, he wasn’t that. He was just an entertaining bad ass. Way to be boring Obama!”

“I have to do the weirdest stuff when I’m hungover.”

“I don’t like the word abortion. I prefer the term cancelled baby.”

“We all dream alone.”

“I just saw a couple screaming at each other in the street. Classic Valentine’s Day.”

“Twitter is a simple service used by smart people. Facebook is a smart service used by simple people.”

“Apparently Fedex hasn’t learned my sleeping schedule yet.”

“When your hat is upside down, the hat catches the rain. When your hat is rightside up, the rain catches the hat.”

“Sometimes Lady GaGa looks good. Sometimes she looks dead.”