“If someone insults you reply ‘So is your face’. There really is no way to reply to that. If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

“Well, I pissed God off for the night. Now I definitely won’t find a man.”

“For how bad my boobs hurt right now, they better be growing, or I’ma be pissed.”

“It is a beautiful New Hampshire day. Even more beautiful was the old man wrecking a shopping cart right infront of me.”

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“If I got ten cents for every time I got into verbal arguments with strangers, I might make a dollar everyday.”

—–

“Inspector Gadget is half robot half idiot.”

—–

“Just when I thought I was having a good day, I get pulled over.”

—–

“The woman in front of me at the grocery store smells so much like carrots. She isn’t buying any… it’s pretty amazing.”

—–

“It is January in New Hampshire and I can see green grass. Something is wrong.”

“Look. We’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job’s to help people shit for fuck, it’s not  important, so relax.”

“Chocolate milk is pretty much liquid ice cream.”

“Best place to fart: a jacuzzi.”

“There are hearts printed on my toilet paper. I am just glad people are wiping their asses with the symbol of love.”

“I like George Bush, not because he was a good president, he wasn’t that. He was just an entertaining bad ass. Way to be boring, Obama!”

“I have to do the weirdest stuff when I’m hungover.”

“I don’t like the word abortion. I prefer the term cancelled baby.”

“We all dream alone.”

“I just saw a couple screaming at each other in the street. Classic Valentine’s Day.”

“Twitter is a simple service used by smart people. Facebook is a smart service used by simple people.”

“Apparently Fedex hasn’t learned my sleeping schedule yet.”

“When your hat is upside down, the hat catches the rain. When your hat is rightside up, the rain catches the hat.”

“Sometimes Lady GaGa looks good. Sometimes she looks dead.”